These are some random thoughts that have occurred to me over the last few weeks. You may find them funny, boring, stupid, inappropriate or even all of those at once.
Here they are:
1) Why do slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing?
2) How many countries have a 4th of July? ALL of them. We used to call it Independence Day. The problem? Well, first, while the Declaration of Independence was voted for by the Colonial Congress on July 4, 1776, it was not actually signed until August 2nd according to many historians. Also, we just said we were independent, but then we had to actually fight a long war to make it true… Which leads to these dates…
|April 19||Congress ratifies preliminary peace treaty|
|Sept. 3||The United States and Great Britain sign the Treaty of Paris|
|Nov. 25||British troops leave New York City|
|Dec. 23||Washington resigns as Commander|
|Sept. 17||U.S. Constitution signed|
|June 21||U.S. Constitution adopted, when New Hampshire ratifies it|
Therefore, there are at least 8 different days we could celebrate Independence. So, I guess the 4th of July Holiday is better than “One of the days we kind of were Independent but Not Really Holiday”
3. My Brit friends make fun of us “ungrateful colonials” on July 4th. I like to point out that at least we use fireworks to celebrate a successful effort to establish a shiny new Democratic Republic. While they use fireworks to celebrate “Guy Fawkes’ Day” a mental deficient that was blamed solely for a plot to blow up Parliament. Not only did he not succeed, but he was clearly just a dupe and the barrels of gunpowder were too few, wet and old to blow up anyway. And they celebrate that because?
4. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
5. Where is the bailout program for the companies that used to make Confederate flags?
6. Why did South Carolina have the Tennessee Battle Flag on their Capitol? Did they not realize it was not the Confederate flag, not the South Carolina flag, and not even the flag of their own troops in the war?
7. I am very upset about Bill Cosby. It shows you never know the content of another person’s character based on appearances. I feel very bad for his long history of victims.
8. Later, upon reflection, I also feel sorry for, but to a lesser extent, to all the actors who ever appeared in Bill Cosby TV shows or movies. Also, all the Dukes of Hazzard actors. Those royalty checks for rerun syndication are going to get really small really quick…
9. i hate people who go to the government to use it to take away things from other people. Marriage should be private. The government should handle distribution of joint property and minors. My fellow Christian Fundamentalists went to the government and said only men and women could get married. Now others went to the government now we can get married. At some point, some will go to the government and take away our rights. How about we all live our lives and tell the government to stay out?
10. My light bulb outside burned out. The government won’t let me buy a cheap classic bulb, I had to get a squiggly one. It says it is good for 21 years. I will be 73 when the light bulb is expected to expire.Will I be in this house in 21 years? Will I expire before the bulb? My bulb will last longer than most marriages. Why do I have to make such a commitment to illumination of my back porch?
11. Does it save water that the government forces low flow toilets you have to flush twice or low flow showers you have to wash twice as long under to get clean and rinsed?
12. Why do dogs run to the door when they hear a doorbell on TV, even if they have never lived in a house with a doorbell?
13. I’ve grown to like watching hurricanes on TV. Not because I want anyone inconvenienced or property damage, but it’s hilarious to watch TV reporters standing in the rain being blown all over the place with a microphone in their hand.
14. Why do people keep saying after a shooting that illegalizing gun ownership will prevent the shootings? We already outlawed killing people, and that didn’t seem to take…
15. Am I the only one that thinks someone in a Smart Car looks like they are just wearing a costume that looks like a car?
16. I’m starting to favor an election lottery, kind of like Hunger Games. Each year everyone is required to put their name in, and the loser has to serve in office.
17. We fought our revolutionary war primarily over “No taxation without representation.” We won and now we have taxation AND representation. Our rating of that representation in Congress is 90% unfavorable. Perhaps instead of fighting for adding representation, we should have fought to get rid of taxation… No taxation and no representation? Let’s see how that works out…
18. Today I turn 52. Inside I feel 21. What happened? Who is the guy looking me in the mirror? Seriously.
19. No one on their deathbed makes witty quotes about being on their deathbed.
20. Movies and TV shows lie about passing out when you are in pain. I’ve passed kidney stones, I’ve walked on dead bone, I’ve had novacaine wear off while getting a tooth drilled, and I had ear surgery without a local or anesthesia. I did not pass out. Several times, I thought, aren’t I supposed to pass out? Recently a very good friend of mine had a heart attack. He said he was in the worst imaginable pain for an hour and a half until he was put out for surgery. He did not pass out either. I’ve asked medical professionals, none of them say they have ever seen someone pass out from pain. Too bad, it would be a good thing if it were true.
21. There is no such thing as quick sand.
22. There is no record of anyone ever putting chalk marks around a dead body for an investigation.
23. If you are young and think you look bad, trust me, 30 years from now you will look at your old pictures and wish you looked that good.
24. The sooner you stay away from negative people and just don’t care what others think about you, the happier you will be. Some learn early, some late, some never learn.
25. Memes with Albert Einstein or other people with a quote only accurately attribute the quote to the correct person 0.0000001% of the time.