Category Archives: Humor and Observations

Punny Literary Sentences

For those who love a punny turn of phrase…

42 phrases a lexophile would love

Lexophile

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

4. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

8. A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.

9. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

10. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.

12. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

13. The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

15. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

16. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

17. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

18. A will is a dead giveaway.

19. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

22. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

23. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

24. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

25. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

26. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

27. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

28. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

29. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

30. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

31. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

32. A calendar’s days are numbered.

33. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

34. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

35. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

36. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

37. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

38. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

39. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

40. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

41. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

42. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

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Cute Dogs for Your Monday Blues!

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September 29, 2014 · 2:56 pm

Let’s hope he’s lucky! Baby calf born with a perfect white number seven on his head

  • A Pennsylvania farm have named a calf Baby Ben after the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback because the cow has a No. 7 on his head 
  • After photos of the calf were posted on the vale Wood Farms Facebook page, almost 2,000 fans liked the posting
  • Vale Wood Farms has been around since 1933 and while it processes its own milk and dairy, it doesn’t use any meat from the cows.

By ASSOCIATED PRESS and ALEXANDRA KLAUSNER

Moooove over, Ben Roethlisberger. There’s a new No. 7 in western Pennsylvania.

The folks at Vale Wood Farms in Loretto have named a calf Baby Ben after the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback because the cow has a marking that looks like a Number 7 on its head.

The farm has posted the calf’s picture on its Facebook page, and WJAC-TV visited the farm about 70 miles east of Pittsburgh to see what all the fuss is about.

Lucky number seven: A baby calf with a marking of a number 7 on its head has been named Big Ben in honor of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger who wears a seven on his jersey when he plays

Look familiar?: Baby Ben is named after Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger (pictured) who wears a number seven on his jersey and is nicknamed Big Ben 

Since being posted on Facebook the photos got over 1,100 likes and over 100 comments.

Carissa Itle-Westrick, the director of business development for the family-owned food-and-grocery farm, is hoping Roethlisberger won’t mind.

She says, ‘Baby Ben is awfully cute, so hopefully Big Ben won’t mind sharing his namesake.’

The farm plans to display the calf when it opens its pumpkin patch for business next month.

Itle-Westrick told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that she’s seen a variety of cow patterns over the years such as a state, a continent, and once even a Nike’s swoosh.

She said that when she saw Baby Ben for the first time she immediately thought of the Steelers.

‘He turned to face me, and I said, “Wow, it’s a perfect little 7,” ‘ Ms. Itle-Westrick said. Taking the quarterback’s namesake

‘was kind of a natural for us. We’re out here in Steelers country.’

Even Ben Roethlisberger’s website Bigben7.com acknowledged the furry doppelganger in a blog post.

The post said that if you visit the farm, ‘don’t forget to say hello to Baby Ben while you’re there (who is probably gonna milk this new-found fame for all it’s worth!)’

The Post gazette reports that Baby Ben will be on display during the farm’s pumpkin patch event October 1-19.

Vale Wood Farms has been around since 1933 and while it processes its own milk and dairy, it doesn’t use any meat from the cows.

Head in the game: Even Ben Roethlisberger's website acknowledged the furry doppelganger and he wrote in his blog of visiting the farm, 'don’t forget to say hello to Baby Ben while you’re there'

Head in the game: Even Ben Roethlisberger’s website acknowledged the furry doppelganger and he wrote in his blog of visiting the farm, ‘don’t forget to say hello to Baby Ben while you’re there’

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2771662/Adorable-baby-calf-born-NUMBER-SEVEN-head-named-Big-Ben-honor-Pittsburgh-Steelers-quarterback-Ben-Ben-Roethlisberger-wears-number-seven-jersey.html#ixzz3EaMv4Oc9
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

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Cosplay Pictures for Your Weekend

Cosplay pictures and cool outfits for your weekend enjoyment!

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Ebola Cases Could Reach 1.4 Million in 4 Months, C.D.C. Estimates

I hope the stupid memes mocking people like myself for being worried about Ebola will now stop for good…

Members of a Red Cross team removed the body of a woman who was believed to have died of Ebola from a home in Monrovia, Liberia, last week.  Credit Daniel Berehulak for The New York Times

In the worst-case scenario, Liberia and Sierra Leone could have 21,000 cases of Ebola by Sept. 30 and 1.4 million cases by Jan. 20 if the disease keeps spreading without effective methods to contain it. These figures take into account the fact that many cases go undetected, and estimate that there are actually 2.5 times as many as reported.

The report does not include figures for Guinea because case counts there have gone up and down in ways that cannot be reliably modeled.

GRAPHIC

What You Need to Know About the Ebola Outbreak

Questions and answers on the scale of the outbreak and the science of the Ebola virus.

OPEN GRAPHIC

“My gut feeling is, the actions we’re taking now are going to make that worst-case scenario not come to pass,” Dr. Thomas R. Frieden, the C.D.C. director, said in a telephone interview. “But it’s important to understand that it could happen.”

The figures in the C.D.C. report are based on data from August, but Dr. Frieden said the situation appeared to have improved since then because more aid had begun to reach the region.

The current official case count is 5,843, including 2,803 deaths, according to the World Health Organization.

Dying of Ebola at the Hospital Door

Monrovia, the Liberian capital, is facing a widespread Ebola epidemic, and as the number of infected grows faster than hospital capacity, some patients wait outside near death.

The W.H.O. reported on Wednesday that a new treatment center had just opened in Monrovia, the Liberian capital, with 120 beds for treatment and 30 for triage. Patients were already lined up at the door.

Though providing home-care kits may seem like a pragmatic approach, some public health authorities said they were no substitute for beds in isolation or containment wards.

But Dr. Frieden said that home care had been used to help stamp out smallpox in Africa during the 1960s. The caregivers were often people who had survived smallpox themselves and were immune to it. Some experts have suggested that Ebola survivors might also be employed to care for the sick.

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Cosplay Pictures for your Saturday!

Enjoy these pictures of awesome cosplayers and their cool outfits.

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Random Humor

Random humor to cheer up your work week…

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Archaeologists Have Made An Incredible Discovery At Stonehenge

George Dvorsky

Archaeologists Have Made An Incredible Discovery At Stonehenge

Using powerful ground-penetrating radar, investigators working around Stonehenge have detected a trove of previously unknown burial mounds, chapels, shrines, pits — and most remarkable of all — a massive megalithic monument made up of more than 50 giant stones buried along a 1,082-foot-long c-shaped enclosure.

This news is unreal — and it’s resetting virtually everything we thought we knew about Stonehenge. Just a week after finding out that Stonehenge was once a complete circle, archaeologists from Birmingham and Bradford universities, and from the Ludwig Boltzman Institute in Vienna, have shattered the image of Stonehenge as a desolate and lonely place.

After four years of painstaking effort, and by using a magnetometer, a ground-penetrating radar (GPR), and a 3D laser scanner, archaeologists have shown that Stonehenge was once a sprawling complex that extended for miles.

And then there’s the previously unknown “super henge,” a monument located just two miles from Stonehenge. Scans suggest that each buried stone is about three meters (10 feet) long and 1.5 meters (5 feet) wide. The stones are positioned horizontally, not vertically, but it’s conceivable that they originally stood upright like other standing stones. The archaeologists suspect they were brought to the site shortly before 2,500 BC.

The Independent reports:

The c-shaped enclosure – more than 330 metres wide and over 400 metres long – faced directly towards the River Avon. The monument was later converted from a c-shaped to a roughly circular enclosure, now known as Durrington Walls – Britain’s largest pre-historic henge, roughly 12 times the size of Stonehenge itself.

As a religious complex, it would almost certainly have had a deeply spiritual and ritual connection with the river. But precisely why is a complete mystery, although it is possible that that particular stretch of water was regarded as a deity.

As for the other henge-like Neolithic and Bronze Age religious shrines, they range between 10 and 30 meters ( 32 to 100 feet) in diameter. Scans also revealed around 20 large ritual pits, each up to five meters (16 feet) in diameter. More than a half dozen Bronze Age burial mounds were discovered, along with four Iron Age shrines or tombs, and a half dozen Bronze Age and Iron Age domestic or livestock enclosures.

Archaeologists Have Made An Incredible Discovery At Stonehenge

Under one of the mounds, the investigators identified a 33 meter (108 feet)-long timber building dated at about 6,000 years old. It was likely used for ritual burials and related practices.

Archaeologists Have Made An Incredible Discovery At Stonehenge

“[The building] has three rows of roof-bearing posts. It is around 300 square metres and slightly trapezoidal, which is interesting because in the same period on the continent, about 100 to 200 years earlier, we also find this type of trapezoidal building related to megaliths [giant stones],” noted Wolfgang Neubauer of the Ludwig Boltzmann Institute in a BBC article.

The monuments and structures were not all built at the same time, so the entire complex was not conceived or planned as a whole. Further analysis will reveal exactly how the site evolved through the ages.

A two-part BBC Two documentary titled “Operation Stonehenge: What Lies Beneath” will be shown this coming Thursday evening and next Thursday. Many more details of the investigation’s new discoveries are expected to be revealed.

Sources: The Independent | BBC

All images via BBC.

Follow me on Twitter: @dvorsky

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Ebola Update

If President Obama asked you tomorrow to join the volunteers going to West Africa to treat Ebola and offered you substantial training and pay would you go?  You don’t have to answer for me, just for yourself.  I will tell you, it scares the crap out of me.

When the Ebola outbreak first started in West Africa I was shocked and disturbed by the number of memes on Facebook making light of the threat because it is only spread through fluids.  I spoke up early and indicated how naive that view was.  Unfortunately, I was correct.  Here are two stories…

 Ebola could arrive in US as soon as this month

Ebola could arrive in US���as soon as this month: study

American Aid goods are offloaded from an airplane, to be used in the fight against the Ebola virus spreading in the city of Monrovia, Liberia, Sunday, Aug. 24, 2014. (AP Photo/Abbas Dulleh)

Dr. Rick Sacra, the third American to contract Ebola, landed in Nebraska last week and will be moved to the Nebraska Medical Center in Omaha for treatment.

Experts insist there is no risk to the public, NBC News reports, but a new study in PLOS Currents finds that Ebola could soon make its way inside U.S. borders on its own.

The study looked at global flight patterns and passenger screening and found that the chance of at least one case arriving in the country by Sept. 22 was as high as 18 percent, NPR reports.

“What is happening in West Africa is going to get here. We can’t escape that at this point,” the study’s lead author says, adding it would likely occur in “small clusters of cases, between one and three.” The study also points to a 25 percent to 28 percent chance of the virus reaching the United Kingdom and a 50 percent chance of it spreading to Ghana before the month is over.

If the virus isn’t contained, the likelihood of its spread will “increase consistently,” the study notes. On a more optimistic note, Sacra’s wife says, “Rick is clearly sick” but “was in good spirits and he walked onto the plane” that took him to Nebraska.

“We are really encouraged by that news.” (Meanwhile, Sierra Leone is going on lockdown to fight Ebola.)

US works to step up Ebola aid, preps hospitals for potential patients

With growing criticism that the world still is not acting fast enough against the surging Ebola epidemic, President Barack Obama has called the outbreak a national security priority.

Obama is to travel to Atlanta on Tuesday to address the Ebola crisis during a visit to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the White House said. During his visit, Obama is to be briefed about the outbreak and discuss the U.S. response with officials.

The administration hasn’t said how big a role the military ultimately will play – and it’s not clear how quickly additional promised help will arrive in West Africa.

“This is also not everything we can and should be doing,” Sen. Chris Coons, D-Del., who chairs a Foreign Relations subcommittee that oversees African issues, told the Senate last week.

He called for expanded military efforts and for Obama to appoint someone to coordinate the entire government’s Ebola response.

“I’ve heard from organizations that have worked to transport donated supplies and can fill cargo plane after cargo plane but are having difficulty getting it all to West Africa,” Coons added, urging government assistance.

Supplies aren’t the greatest need: “Trained health professionals for these Ebola treatment units is a critical shortage,” said Dr. Steve Monroe of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, or CDC.

Aiming to spur them, the CDC is beginning to train volunteer health workers headed for West Africa on how to stay safe, Monroe said. CDC sent its own staff to learn from Doctors Without Borders, which has the most experience in Ebola outbreaks. CDC will offer the course at a facility in Anniston, Alabama, for the next few months, teaching infection-control and self-protection and letting volunteers – expected to be mostly from nongovernment aid groups – practice patient triage.

“It’s gone beyond an Ebola crisis to a humanitarian crisis. It does require more of a U.S. government-wide response, more than just CDC,” Monroe said.

Here are some questions and answers about that response:

Q: What is the U.S. contributing?

A: The U.S. government has spent more than $100 million so far, said Ned Price of the National Security Council. Last week, the U.S. Agency for International Development announced it would spend up to $75 million more to provide 1,000 treatment beds in Liberia, the worst-hit country, and 130,000 protective suits for health workers.

The Obama administration has asked Congress for another $88 million to send additional supplies and public health experts, and to develop potential Ebola medications and vaccines.

Also, the State Department has signed a six-month contract, estimated at up to $4.9 million, for a Georgia-based air ambulance to be on call to evacuate any Ebola-infected government employees, and other U.S. aid workers when possible.

“The ability to evacuate patients infected with the Ebola virus is a critical capability,” said Dr. William Walters, the State Department’s director of operational medicine.

Q: Beyond delivering supplies, what’s happening on the ground?

A: The CDC currently has 103 staffers in West Africa working on outbreak control and plans to send about 50 more. They help to track contacts of Ebola patients, train local health workers in infection control and help airport authorities screen whether anyone at high risk of Ebola is attempting to leave.

Two of the CDC workers are in Ivory Coast to try to stay ahead of the virus, helping health authorities prepare in case an Ebola patient crosses the border into that country.

Q: What are the U.S. military’s plans?

A: The Defense Department has provided more than 10,000 Ebola test kits to the region and plans to set up a 25-bed field hospital in the Liberian capital for infected health care workers.

Pentagon spokesman John Kirby suggested Friday that more could be coming.

“The Department of Defense has capabilities that might prove helpful,” he said, adding, “We’re having those discussions right now.”

Q: Will Ebola come here?

A: U.S. health officials are preparing in case an individual traveler arrives unknowingly infected but say they’re confident there won’t be an outbreak here.

People boarding planes in the outbreak zone are checked for fever, but symptoms can begin up to 21 days after exposure. Ebola isn’t contagious until symptoms begin, and it takes close contact with bodily fluids to spread.

Q: Where would sick travelers be treated? The U.S. only has four of those isolation units where Ebola-stricken aid workers were treated.

A: “There’s still a perception in the public that the only place these people can be treated is at one of these specialized facilities like the one at Emory or Nebraska, and that’s just not the case,” Monroe said. “We are confident that any hospital in the U.S. can care for” an Ebola patient.

After all, five U.S. cases of similar hemorrhagic viruses – one Marburg virus, the others Lassa fever – have been treated in the past decade.

The CDC is telling hospitals to ask about travel if someone has suspicious symptoms, to put the person in a private room with a separate bathroom while asking CDC about testing and to wear a gown, mask and eye protection when delivering care.

“This virus is completely inactivated by all the normal disinfectants used in a hospital setting,” Monroe noted.

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Boy, 11, finds 3,000-year-old sword in river

As he dunked them into the water, he felt something graze his hand, pulled it out, and brought it home to show his dad, reports Xinhua.

Now experts say “it” turns out to be a 3,000-year-old bronze sword, probably from either the Shang or Zhou dynasty—”the dawn of Chinese civilization,” as the BBC puts it.

The head of the Gaoyou Cultural Relics Bureau thinks the 10-inch sword likely belonged to a civil official, since “it has both decorative and practical functions, but is not in the shape of [a] sword for military officers.” Recent dredging of the river may have brought the sword out of the silt and closer to the surface, according to the bureau official, who adds that archaeologists are now planning a larger dig there.

The boy’s dad admits that locals wanted to buy the sword from him for “high prices,” but he “felt it would be illegal to sell the cultural relic.” The bureau sent him and his inquisitive son a certificate and reward for finding the piece.

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