Random humor for the end of the week. Enjoy!
Tag Archives: puns
Some of these are obvious, many you might not find funny because they are pretty simple humor, but I hope at least one or two give you a chuckle. I’m still at home sick with a sinus infection flaring up my asthma so I looked for some funny things…
Random humor to bring you some chuckles to start off the weekend in a good mood…
For those who love a punny turn of phrase…
42 phrases a lexophile would love
2. Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
8. A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.
9. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
10. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.
12. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
13. The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
15. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
16. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
17. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
18. A will is a dead giveaway.
19. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
22. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
23. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
24. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
25. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
26. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
27. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
28. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
29. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
30. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
31. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
32. A calendar’s days are numbered.
33. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
34. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
35. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
36. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
37. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
38. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
39. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
40. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
41. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
42. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
Random humor to perk up the end of the week…
From Tikld.com, pointed out to me by awesome fellow author, Sean Ellis.
20 Jokes That Only Intellectuals Will Understand.
10th March 2014
REPLYING TO AN INVITATION TO A SCIENTIST’S BALL
- Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
- Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
- Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought.
- Ampere was worried he wasn’t up to current research.
- Ohm resisted the idea at first.
- Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
- Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
- Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
- Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
- Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
- Dr Jekyll declined — he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
- Morse’s reply: “I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now must dash.”
- Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
- Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
- Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
- Audobon said he’d have to wing it.
- Hawking said he’d try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
- Darwin said he’d have to see what evolved.
- Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
- Mendel said he’d put some things together and see what came out.
- Descartes said he’d think about it.
- Newton was moved to attend.
- Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
- Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
- JP Clark & Siegfried the Deerslayer Wanna-Be
School of Physics, University of Sydney
Surprisingly, these are not my jokes. They are so much like my jokes, some will find that hard to believe. However, in the ongoing debate of nature versus nurture, these are actually puns that my son just sent me. He knows my warped sense of humor and given my anxiety over my upcoming surgery, sent this to cheer me and the rest of our family up. The apple does not fall far from the tree so to speak. So, enjoy the moans and groans that only puns can provide properly:
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro? what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.