Category Archives: Humor and Observations

On Watches…

A man with one watch knows what time it is.  A man with two, is never quite certain.

Even a Broken Watch is correct twice a day.  Just like most people.

The perfect watch always shows the correct time, but is useless:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To a Time Traveler – A proper watch needs to have a date and year, a nob for parallel universe reference, a non-standard Sol/Earth rotational and size co-efficient, and infinite power source – and at least one alarm with a snooze button on it.  Perhap, the snooze buttom could transport you backward in the time continuum, so you not only get the extra five minutes, but end up still being on time…

It would also be great to have a device that could take control of other people’s watch to make the screen say cool things.  About to be in a shoot out?  Say, “Mister, better look at yer watch”  He looks down and it says “Your time is up!” Instead of its usual hands and such – you bet he turns tail runnin’!  Or about to aks the big question, have your spouse to be’s watch flash at her – What are We Waiting For?  Now is the Time!

Maybe better with just the pic?  Yeah, my thought too.  Need to dial it back a notch…

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More Myths Busted – “The Troubled Artist” and “Inspiration through the Use of Drugs”

While writers usually lie to millions of folks – it is what fiction is by definition, they are usually more honest amongst their own inner circle of writers.  You don’t get to that spot easily.  You spend ups and downs, you show your acceptance and they show theirs.  Over time, life reveals people to you.  Then, we few, we happy few, we Band of Brothers…(sorry, I break off easily into Henry V for no reason at all).  But I digress…

Medicines that Affect Your Brain

They may lie to their spouses, friends, dates, roommates, etc, but when it comes right down to it, stoned and drunk people are thinking very little of their next book idea, and even less about actually writing something on it.   Recreationally, they may turn to such things as an excuse to chase the Green Genie or to release their imagination, most of the time they are pissed off they don’t have ideas they think are actually good enough to justify they hard work of writing them down – so they get drunk.

That does not mean that their aren’t stars who are awesome stoned, I wonder what Morrison would have been like if he had been sober?  Stephen King was a master novelist with or without drinks and drugs.  Would Cujo have been better if he could remember having written most of it?  I am only speaking of novelists for the most part here, not performance art, poetry, and other things that I think actually were created to do while high.

In my own experience, I have been on Morphine and Percoset for some time now, legally, through doctors and pain specialists.  First, for two months waiting to excise my dead bones.  The pain from the bones was too much for me to get things done.  With the pain killers, the pain was dulled enough I could write, but my memory came and went on small items.  (Wow, I wrote that same scene in TWO chapters back to back, not just one…)  Now, I have had my dead upper femur, joint and hip removed.  I am still on post op morphine and percoset and I have to tell you – Choice A – pain from Hell you would take anything to stop, Choice B – still a lot of pain but bizarre bad dreams, sweats, and a general lack of ideas that when written on paper, form a sentence.

I am recovering, thanks to God, your prayers, well wishers, my wife who takes care of me and my wonderful doctors, so I hope this recovery time is short.  I have lucid times totalling about 6 hours per day in which I get my contract work done, but not much on my own fun stuff.  I grew up in the drug scene in California in the 60s and 70s but did not participate much.  For a few years around college I drank too much but that was about it.  Still, then and now, I know many who choose the “lifestyle”.  Those who take me into their confidence have all so far agreed that they usually get high to avoid stressing on trying to write when they are stuck.  Very few get their ideas in a clowded state.

The Troubled Artist

I think this myth is a correlation mistaken as a causal relationship.  Forgive me my economics…  To make it clearer – Study shows that drinking diet sodas makes people fatter!  We see that crap all the time.  Then, if they even print it, you find the study.  1,200 people were interviewed.  Those who said they drank more diet sodas were 40% fatter than those that did not.  That is a correlation mistaken as a causal relationship.   I have no doubt that fat people drink more diet soda.  They refuse themselves the sweeter cola because they are fat!  My hypothesis for the same data is that fat people, trying to maintain or lose weight, choose to drink diet sodas.  It is physically impossible to provide a human body an object containing zero calories and expect it to gain weight.

I think a lot of Artists and Novelists who are outstanding live ‘troubled lives”.  I would say that half of people working as dishwashers at bad restaurants lead “troubled” lives.  I would guess nearly 100% of prostitutes or people starving in Africa live “troubled lives.”  So why then are there not agents and publishers seeking out those people to write them books?  I think it is simple correlation.  Most people lead troubled lives, some happen to be authors and poets (I mean by some arguments only around 2,000 novelists at any time are living off their book income).  I reject that troubles make you write better – because you “know.”  Unless you sing or write the Blues, and then any fool knows it is the truth.

Again, within the inner circle of published authors, you are more likely to hear about illness, surgeries, dying loved ones, kids or parents with problems, money issues, cars that stopped working, looking for a job, housing issues, etc.  I have not once heard one say, I am so glad I have all these troubles, because my writing is showing so much more emotional depth now.  Usually, the say, “that project is on hold for days, months, years, because of…hope I can get back on it… may never finish it…

My Writing Mode

Sitting in front of the computer screen, an ice cold Diet Pepsi (because I am fat I guess), a good mood, a clear head, my three dogs lying on my feet or the feet of my wife next  to me on her own computer.  That is hitting on all cylinders for me.  Pain, troubles, drugs, drama are all the opposite of what let’s me write.

I had a post much earlier on this blog on those who die too young due to the “troubled lifestyle”.  River Phoenix, Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson and on and on.  As a tip from a fellow writer.  It won’t help your writing.  If you want to write dark stuff, you will experience enough in this world and see enough to have plenty of material.

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The Avengers Movie! Just Saw It!

Don’t worry, I have no spoilers here.  I hate when people give away the plot, etc.  I just want to say I was VERY happy with the film.  Going in, I had my doubts that such an ensemble cast would be manageable.  After all, several have had their own movies.  Thor, Captain America, two Iron Man movies, several poorly done Hulk movies and the old Hulk TV series, not to mention Samuel L. Jackson, Scarlet Johansen and the lesser know Hawkeye played by Jeremy Renner.  How many movies have Gwyneth Paltrow as maybe actor number 12 in a movie?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Handling so many celebrity actors and characters I thought would be nigh impossible.  However, the director, screenwriter and editors are to be highly commended.  Each is well done without any receiving glossing over or one or two stealing the show.  The action is pretty much non-stop but each hero gets to reveal their character and stay true to the canon for the fan base.  At one point, I was concerned the movie would be part 1 and part 2, like Kill Bill, because the first part takes so long, you wonder just how much more can happen.   However, the film apparently lasts for 143 minutes, where your normal film is around 93 minutes.  I could have sat there for another 3 hours it was that entertaining.

The Avengers is well worth the money to go see.  There are tons of special effects, witticisms that get the crowd to laugh, as well as lots of tension and fun.  I give it 5 out of 5 stars and thank the producters for giving us a great 143 minute film instead of an overedited 93 minute film that would have sucked.

ALSO – As with most Marvel films – stay past the credits so you can see the last few minutes of the film as a teaser for what happens next.  Half the people at our showing left and missed out on it.  Just stay in your seat the extra 5 minutes – trust me.

 

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Why I Believe

You are walking across the Sahara desert, wondering the dunes, far from civilization and you find this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Would you think – 1)  Look at what randomly evolved in the desert of the Sahara; or 2)  This thing is pretty complicated, it must have been made by someone and it must have some purpose?

I would naturally think 2).  I would be right, because the fine manufacture, and the systematic precision of the gears, the time management to the second over years of time, all indicate it was made by someone for a purpose.

Let’s say you come across things like this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Again, design implies a designer and a purpose.  Humans, the Earth, the Universe, DNA, so many other things are much more complicated than that Swiss Watch in the desert – but we believers are the outlandish ones for thinking it didn’t just happen?  That there is a Creator with a purpose?

There are many reasons I believe.  I accept that this theory, you have to choose to have faith or not.  I have extensive science training and background and many look at me in wonder and say how can you believe?  I look at them in wonder and say how can you not?  If there was no designer, why does everything follow such defined rules?

I take comfort that there is a reason for us.  Accidents usually cause messes, like car accidents.  Creators make things that work in perfect precision.

 

 

 

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Angry Birds – Hitchcock was right!

I have been a game and video game enthusiast as long as I can remember.  You can see my earlier post on my Nerd Credentials for more.  I favor the more strategic games and MMORPGs.  However, the myth that the video gamer is a 16 year old boy playing at home is being shattered.  World of Warcraft, or WoW, had 10 million subscribers as of February 2012 and is the largest teen boy game out there.  The big gamers are – the ladies on their cell phones and on Facebook!  Women gamers out number male gamers significantly.  Let’s look at Angry Birds for instance:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just how big is mobile game phenomenon “Angry Birds”?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Players have slingshotted more than 100 billion virtual birds in the game’s many versions, more birds than actually exist on the planet.

That’s according to Peter Vesterbacka, chief of Rovio, the Finnish developer behind the blockbuster game. Speaking on a panel Thursday at Fortune’s Brainstorm Tech conference, Vesterbacka said the game has surpassed 300 million downloads and has set its sights on becoming the first entertainment franchise with 1 billion fans worldwide.

That is right, Angry Birds has 30 times as many users as WoW.  Wow!  Other popular games like Farmville are also huge, with Farmville having over 30 to 40 million virtual dirt turners every day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It all started when some green pigs stole the birds eggs and pissed them off.  If we can have an Arab spring, why not a Bacon Spring?  Where is the President on the Bird vs. Pig war?  It is probably because of the world-wide slingshot maker industrial complex.

So, next time you think “gamer” you might want to rethink your stereotypes…

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Some PUN -ishment! Bad jokes to get you through Hump Day!

Surprisingly, these are not my jokes.  They are so much like my jokes, some will find that hard to believe.  However, in the ongoing debate of nature versus nurture, these are actually puns that my son just sent me.  He knows my warped sense of humor and given my anxiety over my upcoming surgery, sent this to cheer me and the rest of our family up.  The apple does not fall  far from the tree so to speak.  So, enjoy the moans and groans that only puns can provide properly:

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.    It’s syncing now.
When chemists die,  they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.    He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.    Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never  met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.    I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.    It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first?    They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.  I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro? what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

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Could Wind Farms Be Adding to Global Warming?

I personally don’t believe in man-made global warming (yet, thought I will in the future), though I DO believe in global warming.  I think the Earth cools and heats and we’re not altogether sure why all the reasons are, or if changing the cycle would be good or bad.  I simply don’t think man has outstripped nature’s ability to control temperatures – YET.  I might be wrong, or I might be right, time will tell.  I wrote an earlier post on the topic and I certainly understand both points of view.

Nonetheless, in the area of unintended consequences, I found this excerpt of an article quite fascinating:

 

 

 

 

 

BOLDED sections are taken verbatim from the article.

New research finds that wind farms actually warm up the surface of the land underneath them during the night, a phenomenon that could put a damper on efforts to expand wind energy as a green energy solution.

Researchers used satellite data from 2003 to 2011 to examine surface temperatures across as wide swath of west Texas, which has built four of the world’s largest wind farms. The data showed a direct correlation between night-time temperatures increases of 0.72 degrees C (1.3 degrees F) and the placement of the farms.

“Given the present installed capacity and the projected growth in installation of wind farms across the world, I feel that wind farms, if spatially large enough, might have noticeable impacts on local to regional meteorology,” Liming Zhou, associate professor at the State University of New York, Albany and author of the paper published April 29 in Nature Climate Change said in an e-mail to Discovery News.

FAA data shows that the number of wind turbines over the study region has risen from 111 in 2003 to 2358 in 2011, according to the study.The warming could hurt local farmers, who have already suffered through a killer drought over the past few years. Texas agriculture contributes $80 billion to the state’s economy, second only to petrochemicals, according to the Texas Department of Agriculture.

West Texas is a dry area that uses irrigation to grow wheat, cotton and other crops, as well as raise cattle. But increased warming can play havoc with plant growth, as well as change local rainfall patterns.

Texas wind farms produce more than 10,000 megawatts of electricity, more than double the capacity of the nearest state, Iowa, and enough to power three million average American homes, according to the American Wine Energy Association.

Again, my overall position is that the Earth is way more complicated than we understand and that temperature if effected by so many different factors, only a small portion of which is mankind.  I strongly believe in seeking alternative sources of energy to petroleum and I strongly believe in reducing pollution.  I think though that too many of us jump onto a particular theory and oversell it, often finding later we were wrong.’

The flat Earthers still have a few adherents, Earth as the center of the Universe was certainly popular.  Mankind would dissintegrate if we went over 50 miles per hour scared people from riding trains when they first came out.  As with most science, time will tell.  With global climatology, I think a lot more time will pass than we think before we KNOW anything for certain.  I doubt it will happen in my lifetime.

What do you think?

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GSA Party, Michelle Obama’s Trip to Spain, or Secret Service Scandal – Which Bothers You More or at All?

As a taxpayer there have been three recent scandals that have bothered me.

1)  The General Services Administration (GSA) is the federal “watchdog” to make sure other federal agencies don’t misspend or waste money.  They were recently busted for wasteful spending themselves, even bragging in videos about how they would never get investigated, since they were the investigators.

Congressional hearings this week and an earlier report from the agency’s inspector general, Brian Miller, revealed numerous cases of extravagant spending and mismanagement.

The April 2 release of Miller’s report on GSA‘s $822,000 tab at a 2010 conference in Las Vegas prompted the resignation of the agency’s top official, Martha Johnson, and the firing of two of her top deputies: Public Buildings Commissioner Bob Peck and Johnson’s senior counsel, Stephen Leeds. Another 10 senior managers and employees were place on administrative leave, and Miller has forwarded his findings to the Justice Department for possible criminal charges.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Shown Above)  Jeff Neely, the federal official at the center of a Wild Las Vegas spending  scandal, took the Fifth Amendment before a House committee yesterday after  photos surfaced showing  him relaxing in a hot tub there on the taxpayer’s dime.  Neely, a commissioner with the General Services Administration, orchestrated the  lavish $823,000 Las Vegas conference in 2010 that resembled a Roman feast of  endlessly flowing, taxpayer-paid booze, sumptuous meals and an assembly line of  entertainment jesters that included a clown, a mind reader and comedian

In addition, GSA employees spent a week in Hawaii for a one hour ribbon cutting ceremony.  They even made videos about wasting money and how they would never get caught.  Their leader posted pictures of his penthouse suite, sitting in a hot tub with champagne, all paid for by us, the taxpayers.  They have people who paid around $100 for a hotel room but charged the government $1,000 in reimbursements.  And more and more…

2) First lady Michelle Obama’s 2010 trip to Spain cost taxpayers nearly $470,000, according to a conservative watchdog group that obtained Secret Service records from the overseas excursion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That trip, which the first lady took with her younger daughter Sasha, drew widespread criticism at the time — as the visuals of the first lady in an elegant Mediterranean setting clashed with the still-struggling U.S. economy.

Judicial Watch, which filed a Freedom of Information Act request, claimed Thursday that documents show the trip cost at least $467,585.  This is not the first, but only one of many expensive vacations taken by the first lady and the first family.  Why are people outraged with the GSA spending $800k of taxpayer money on a trip, but not the first lady spending $470k for a personal vacation to Spain?

3)  The Secret Service Scandal.  People who are responsible for keeping our elected officials safe are off partying with hookers, at least one in the same hotel as the President would be staying at.  I think the count is up to ten secret service folks to be involved so far.  They got found out, because they refused to pay the lead hooker $800 (which I admit seems a lot for a Columbian hooker, but I don’t know what all or who all see, um, provided entertainment to).  They flashed their badges and tossed her out the hotel room, offering her only $28.  She began screaming and banging on the door, hotel security arrived, and voila – scandal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dania Sanches, the Columbian dancer/prostitute, age 24, who wanted to get the $800 she was promised for services rendered.

From having served in government, I am SHOCKED by this.  The secret service have always been my idols.  To allow foreign hookers and booze, (and some report cocaine) in to a place where they can blackmail or overhear plans for the President and Secretary of State Clinton’s visit to a hot bed of violence like Columbia?  Unthinkable.  Then, I personally theorize that if ten or more are involved, this ain’t the first time this type of thing has gone on.

So my question… Are you upset by 1), 2) or 3)?  By all of them?  By none of them?  If you are upset, which one upsets you the most?

As a taxpayer, I must admit, that even the waste of money does not upset me nearly as much as leaving our President and Secretary of State in a position of danger.  Even if everyone who is involved is identified and fired, and they become completely clean and professional, the message has been sent to all who would assassinate or kidnap our leaders, that the Secret Service are vulnerable.  This alone might lead some groups to “give it a go.”  I do not agree with our current administration’s politics, but that does not matter.  It is our President and our Cabinet member, and the whole world needs to know we kick butt and won’t let anyone near them.  I am upset by all three, but especially the Secret Service Scandal.

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Amazing Cardboard Art by Christopher Gilmour

Christopher Gilmour was nice enough to give me permission to post some of his carboard artwork here for your entertainment, inspiration and general reactions of WOW!  Here is his link:

http://www.chrisgilmour.com/

I had to put these small to fit into the gallery, but please click on his site to see more amazing cardboard art, all in higher resolution and bigger pictures.

This last one is provided so that you can see that these are full-sized sculptures.  Here is a work in progress on as Aston Martin.  You can see by the background that these sculptures are in fact life size, not small imitations.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nice job Christopher Gilmour, quite impressive!

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A new type of “Hip”ster

As most of you know, I stand on the precipice of setting aside my pure human status and taking my first step to being a cyborg.  I will not start off a $7 million dollar man, but at least a tens of thousands dollar man…  I have been waiting for awhile to get my full hip replacement because I wanted a specific doctor – Doctor Jimmy Chow.  Here is a video about him:

http://www.replacemyhip.com/

He has a new method of doing hip replacements that is much more difficult for the surgeon, but easier for the patient.  Instead of making a huge incision so things can slide in and out – old dead bones out, new cyborg components in – he makes a smaller incision and does the work inside you.  Here is what the difference is supposed to be:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you can see, the last column, the way he does it, seems like a better way to go.  Not that many folks do this new procedure, so he is always booked way in advance.  As afraid as I am to get this done, the pain is so bad now that I have little choice.  Those of you who are believers, please pray for me.  Those who are not, spread some good vibes my way.  I know tons of these procedures are done every day and the risk is low, but I almost died during my last heart cath, so I am still kind of freakin out.

Also, it did not help seeing the size of these things when I visited my great friend Ted Carpenter in the hospital after his accident.  This is what it will look like:

 

 

 

 

 

 

It means invasive searches by TSA if I take a plane.  If only I could get female super models to work there on my days…  Here is what it looks like now.  This is not MY personal MRI, mines actually looks worse.  The dark spots are where bone is dead and there is no blood flow:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately, in the MRI above, all the greyish area is completely black on mine…sigh.  It really sucks, especially since it wasn’t my unhealthy living choices that led to this, but taking predisone and methylprednilisone for asthma off and on for 15 years.  No one ever told me it could kill off my bones…sigh.

I will try not to whine about my problems anymore for awhile.  Don’t want to be that old person who just talks about their aches and pains.

Last night at our Central Valley Writers’ Group, one of my good friends there told me his son-in-law is dying of incurable cancer.  His daughter and his son-in-law are newlyweds.

God always has a way of making you feel petty about your own selfish concerns.  My heart and prayers goes out to him and his family.

 

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